Great conference
I am still trying to process the huge amount of information I tried to absorb at The 31st Annual American Adoption Congress Conference held at the Sheraton Grand in Sacramento, California, March 18 through 21.
A bit about the trip: Joy Miller, an adoptee and a friend, Adoption Experience Workshop, and I flew from El Paso, Texas to Phoenix, Arizona and from Phoenix to Sacramento. It was a nice trip with the right amount of waiting time to not feel rushed or bored. We were able to walk out of the terminal and take public transportation (bus) to within one block of the hotel ($2 and $1 senior). The Sheraton Grand is beautiful and our room was on the 23rd floor. The meeting rooms were convenient, comfortable, and cold (but I am always cold!). The light breakfast and snacks were just right for me. Everyone was very nice and considerate. Joy and I strolled out to get a sandwich before evening sessions. We did not have the housekeepers clean our room and were given two $5 gift certificates that we used in the restaurant before we left. We walked a couple of blocks to the bus stop in front of the State Capitol Building for the few minutes until the bus arrived to take us to the Airport. This was an excellent choice for the conference.
A bit about the Conference: The American Adoption Congress (AAC) is an all-volunteer organization. They came from several different states and were able to work smoothly together and put on a great conference. Since the conference was about adoption, it should not have surprised me that nearly everyone there was part of the adoption triad---adoptee, birth mother, and adoptive parent. Many were various combinations of the triad and many were also professionals. At least two speakers and three attendees were not part of the triad, which includes me. I was told 160 people attended. I want to thank Joy and my sister, Alta, for making it possible for me to attend.
The 2011 AAC conference will be held in Orlando, Florida April 14 through April 17. For those interested in any phase of adoption, this is a good conference. For professionals that need Continuing Education Units (CEUs), check with your organization (not sure of correct term).
I want to keep these posts short since everyone is busy. Check out both Joy’s blog and the AAC web site.
Until next time,
Alice
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Really Looking at Adoption
Really Looking at Adoption
“We once thought adoption was the answer to everyone’s dilemma. The mother could get on with her life. The baby would have a wonderful home. The new parents would have a child of their own. Now, we know this has never been true. Everyone involved was suffering and unable to voice the pain.”
This is the quote on the front of my book, “The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?” published 2009 by Porch Light Press and available at Amazon.
Until next time,
Alice
“We once thought adoption was the answer to everyone’s dilemma. The mother could get on with her life. The baby would have a wonderful home. The new parents would have a child of their own. Now, we know this has never been true. Everyone involved was suffering and unable to voice the pain.”
This is the quote on the front of my book, “The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?” published 2009 by Porch Light Press and available at Amazon.
Until next time,
Alice
Monday, March 1, 2010
Fatal Drug Overdose or Suicide
This last couple of weeks has brought people to my door to discuss whether their loved one died of an accidental overdose or suicide. Neither possibility brought closure, but talking about it may have put the subject to rest for them. These deaths happened between two and twenty years ago. Many still wondered what they should have done to keep it from happening.
My answer: In the case of suicide, probably nothing. In the case of accidental overdose, probably nothing.
Intended death usually leaves a note or tells someone. If a person really wants to end their pain by suicide, they will find a way. Drug overdoses, without a note, are probably accidental.
Only one of the 13 deaths (Did it have to be 13?) I was told about left a note. He went into the forest several miles away, built a little campfire, and died from an overdose of pills and needle substance. It was two days before someone found him. All 13 were over the age of 21, one was 56.
The next posting will talk about adoption and what we really do not know about it.
Until next time,
Alice
My answer: In the case of suicide, probably nothing. In the case of accidental overdose, probably nothing.
Intended death usually leaves a note or tells someone. If a person really wants to end their pain by suicide, they will find a way. Drug overdoses, without a note, are probably accidental.
Only one of the 13 deaths (Did it have to be 13?) I was told about left a note. He went into the forest several miles away, built a little campfire, and died from an overdose of pills and needle substance. It was two days before someone found him. All 13 were over the age of 21, one was 56.
The next posting will talk about adoption and what we really do not know about it.
Until next time,
Alice
Friday, February 19, 2010
After Conference Workshop
It has been two weeks since I presented the workshop, “Mothers and Others who Love an Addict.” I did not count attendance, but was told there were 52 people, mostly women. Three women left in the first couple of minutes, one left several minutes later. Lots of heads were nodding in agreement, many were dabbing at tears. Afterwards, several came to tell me how glad they were to hear my take on things, instead of the many excuses usually given.
So what did I say? Drug addict or not, he or she is accountable for his or her actions. No making excuses for their actions. No feeling so guilty one will go into financial ruin to “help” the addicted person. Speaking as a parent, we make many mistakes, both large and small, in trying to raise our children. We do not intend to hurt them, yet we often do as we try to make a living and keep an intact family life. Basically, we did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time. We can make apologies to our adult children and ask forgiveness for the pain we caused them. We cannot change it, but we can try to make any amends for past actions and words.
That adult child is not owed a life of ease because the parent caused them pain as a child. They are not owed an expensive attorney every time they get into legal trouble. They must be accountable for their actions. At the same time, we as parents or other loved ones can not stop the love. We do not have to like the road they have followed even if it is one we taught them and no longer follow. We do not have to like what they do, but we can still love them. There is a difference!
In these two weeks I have talked to 43 people who love an addict. More than one has lost their homes trying to bail an addict out of trouble. Many are afraid of their adult children and with good cause since some have been beaten so badly they were in the hospital. Homes and vehicles have been destroyed, money stolen and all the while the “child” is yelling, “You did this to me.”
A parent’s pain is deep, but it does not help the “child” to bail them out of jail and just hope for the best. It won’t happen. Neither will putting them in rehab as they will look for drugs as soon as they are released…and they will find them whether they have money or not.
This is longer than intended so until next time.
Alice
So what did I say? Drug addict or not, he or she is accountable for his or her actions. No making excuses for their actions. No feeling so guilty one will go into financial ruin to “help” the addicted person. Speaking as a parent, we make many mistakes, both large and small, in trying to raise our children. We do not intend to hurt them, yet we often do as we try to make a living and keep an intact family life. Basically, we did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time. We can make apologies to our adult children and ask forgiveness for the pain we caused them. We cannot change it, but we can try to make any amends for past actions and words.
That adult child is not owed a life of ease because the parent caused them pain as a child. They are not owed an expensive attorney every time they get into legal trouble. They must be accountable for their actions. At the same time, we as parents or other loved ones can not stop the love. We do not have to like the road they have followed even if it is one we taught them and no longer follow. We do not have to like what they do, but we can still love them. There is a difference!
In these two weeks I have talked to 43 people who love an addict. More than one has lost their homes trying to bail an addict out of trouble. Many are afraid of their adult children and with good cause since some have been beaten so badly they were in the hospital. Homes and vehicles have been destroyed, money stolen and all the while the “child” is yelling, “You did this to me.”
A parent’s pain is deep, but it does not help the “child” to bail them out of jail and just hope for the best. It won’t happen. Neither will putting them in rehab as they will look for drugs as soon as they are released…and they will find them whether they have money or not.
This is longer than intended so until next time.
Alice
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Conference Workshop
How addiction effects everyone
I will be presenting a workshop at the 21st Annual Growing Through Loss Conference in Las Cruces, New Mexico on Friday, February 5th. This conference covers many areas of loss and grief. The title of my workshop is “Mothers and Others who Love an Addict.”
People, who do not use and abuse drugs (legal or illegal), cannot understand what the addicted person goes through no matter how hard we try. This workshop tries to bring understanding to both the addicted and the ones that love them. You may think it odd that the emotions of both are very much the same; guilt, shame, embarrassment, frustration, pain, lack of control, and helplessness.
People with high self-esteem and respect for themselves will have no need to try drugs in the first place. If you do not try them, you will not become addicted. Sounds simple, doesn’t it. For many, it is not tempting, as they do not have to prove anything to themselves or to their friends.
For those trying to fit into a group or to stand out within a group, it is altogether different. Addiction is a strange thing. Some people become addicted very quickly, for others it takes a little longer. Once addicted, it means physical and mental pain for the person and everyone around him or her. Addiction often leads to prison, murder, or suicide. It always leads to pain; pain for him or herself, parents, children, relatives, friends, co-workers, and even total strangers.
Addiction is powerful and recovery is a continuing process. We must talk openly and honestly about addiction. Conversation can lead to recovery. Addicts must be held accountable for their actions, but our love for the person need not stop. It is never too late to start the process.
Until next time,
Alice
I will be presenting a workshop at the 21st Annual Growing Through Loss Conference in Las Cruces, New Mexico on Friday, February 5th. This conference covers many areas of loss and grief. The title of my workshop is “Mothers and Others who Love an Addict.”
People, who do not use and abuse drugs (legal or illegal), cannot understand what the addicted person goes through no matter how hard we try. This workshop tries to bring understanding to both the addicted and the ones that love them. You may think it odd that the emotions of both are very much the same; guilt, shame, embarrassment, frustration, pain, lack of control, and helplessness.
People with high self-esteem and respect for themselves will have no need to try drugs in the first place. If you do not try them, you will not become addicted. Sounds simple, doesn’t it. For many, it is not tempting, as they do not have to prove anything to themselves or to their friends.
For those trying to fit into a group or to stand out within a group, it is altogether different. Addiction is a strange thing. Some people become addicted very quickly, for others it takes a little longer. Once addicted, it means physical and mental pain for the person and everyone around him or her. Addiction often leads to prison, murder, or suicide. It always leads to pain; pain for him or herself, parents, children, relatives, friends, co-workers, and even total strangers.
Addiction is powerful and recovery is a continuing process. We must talk openly and honestly about addiction. Conversation can lead to recovery. Addicts must be held accountable for their actions, but our love for the person need not stop. It is never too late to start the process.
Until next time,
Alice
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Drug overdose, a cat, a good ending
Drug overdose, a cat, a good ending
A friend came into my sewing shop to tell me about Mr. Kitty. She and Boyfriend use drugs. He had fallen asleep on the couch and she went to bed. At some point during the early morning, Mr. Kitty jumped on the bed meowing and tried to dig her out of the covers. She yelled at him and pulled the covers over her head. He persisted, scratching her forehead. Throwing back the covers, she chased him down the hall and he jumped on Boyfriend’s head scratching his face and forehead. She shook Boyfriend and he felt cold. She called 911 and had Mr. Kitty not gotten her out of bed, Boyfriend would have died. As it is, it looks as if he will make a full recovery. She said she would rethink drug use.
I gave her a book that my son and I wrote about five years ago. It is “Don’t Stop the Love: For Mothers-and Others-Who Love an Addict” by Alice B. Davenport and James A. Oetting. It is available from Amazon for $10.95. It was written when I facilitated a support group for mothers of adult children with addiction problems. Some did not know where their “kids” were. Knowing the pain a mother goes through, I talked with them offering what I could. By that time, James had been in recovery for a few years. He was willing to relive those horrible times to be able to tell me what I needed to pass on to the mothers. We both knew he might go back into active addiction. We both took the chance and wrote the book. It is short (68 pages in large print) and to the point, he spoke honestly about how he felt during his active addiction.
James has been in recovery for over 10 years and talks to anyone who needs to talk about drugs or alcohol, and addiction and recovery.
Until next time,
Alice
A friend came into my sewing shop to tell me about Mr. Kitty. She and Boyfriend use drugs. He had fallen asleep on the couch and she went to bed. At some point during the early morning, Mr. Kitty jumped on the bed meowing and tried to dig her out of the covers. She yelled at him and pulled the covers over her head. He persisted, scratching her forehead. Throwing back the covers, she chased him down the hall and he jumped on Boyfriend’s head scratching his face and forehead. She shook Boyfriend and he felt cold. She called 911 and had Mr. Kitty not gotten her out of bed, Boyfriend would have died. As it is, it looks as if he will make a full recovery. She said she would rethink drug use.
I gave her a book that my son and I wrote about five years ago. It is “Don’t Stop the Love: For Mothers-and Others-Who Love an Addict” by Alice B. Davenport and James A. Oetting. It is available from Amazon for $10.95. It was written when I facilitated a support group for mothers of adult children with addiction problems. Some did not know where their “kids” were. Knowing the pain a mother goes through, I talked with them offering what I could. By that time, James had been in recovery for a few years. He was willing to relive those horrible times to be able to tell me what I needed to pass on to the mothers. We both knew he might go back into active addiction. We both took the chance and wrote the book. It is short (68 pages in large print) and to the point, he spoke honestly about how he felt during his active addiction.
James has been in recovery for over 10 years and talks to anyone who needs to talk about drugs or alcohol, and addiction and recovery.
Until next time,
Alice
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Fatal drug overdose: Do you tell?
Fatal drug overdose: Do you tell?
My answer is simple, “yes.”
People often think of unsavory, dirty, long haired men in dark alleys doing drugs. There are many men and women of all ages who die of drug overdose from prescription drugs and/or a combination of both legal and illegal, often mixed with alcohol. Please remember, even the “unsavory” person was once a mother’s little boy.
Often, the first thought people have when a person dies with no reason given is; DRUG OVERDOSE. It becomes like walking around that “elephant in the living room.” Nobody knows what to say. They mumble and look away. We should not be ashamed of our loved one. We do not have to agree with how a person lives, but the love should always be there.
I told my son if he died of an overdose, I would tell the world. It might make one of his friends realize how fragile life is and lead to them getting into recovery. Thank God I did not have to do that.
Drug user companions often do not feel welcome at the funeral or memorial service, and unfortunately they are usually right. In their pain, loved ones often blame them for not doing something, not understanding that person had free will. It could have been any one of them. There are no easy answers when it comes to drug addiction and the pain that goes with it.
Share your experiences.
Until next time,
Alice
My answer is simple, “yes.”
People often think of unsavory, dirty, long haired men in dark alleys doing drugs. There are many men and women of all ages who die of drug overdose from prescription drugs and/or a combination of both legal and illegal, often mixed with alcohol. Please remember, even the “unsavory” person was once a mother’s little boy.
Often, the first thought people have when a person dies with no reason given is; DRUG OVERDOSE. It becomes like walking around that “elephant in the living room.” Nobody knows what to say. They mumble and look away. We should not be ashamed of our loved one. We do not have to agree with how a person lives, but the love should always be there.
I told my son if he died of an overdose, I would tell the world. It might make one of his friends realize how fragile life is and lead to them getting into recovery. Thank God I did not have to do that.
Drug user companions often do not feel welcome at the funeral or memorial service, and unfortunately they are usually right. In their pain, loved ones often blame them for not doing something, not understanding that person had free will. It could have been any one of them. There are no easy answers when it comes to drug addiction and the pain that goes with it.
Share your experiences.
Until next time,
Alice
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