Dad Sold My Inheritance

Inheritance has come up three times this week, once when Mom was given the house through divorce and two after the death of one parent. In each case, the parent with the house told the adult kids they were selling the home before doing so. Some of the kids was okay with that, but one in each family was angry and believed the parent should have just given the house to them. It had been their home for several years as children and they believed it was their inheritance.

I was able to talk to each parent and was told the kids had all been given a chance to buy it at a below market price with the parent holding the mortgage. Each parent did not “need” the money, but the memories were just too much to handle. Each parent felt they needed a fresh start. In each case the children had been gone from home for over 15 years and had not contributed to the upkeep and seldom visited even though all three lived less than 500 miles from here.

Sorry, Kids, your parent does not owe you that house just because it was your home when you were a child. Inheritance is just that, an inheritance after they have died!

In one case, Mom had been very ill for several years with only Dad as the caregiver. The other Dad had visited his wife in the Alzheimer’s unit for years before she died. Oddly enough, neither complainer actually wanted to live in the houses, they intended to sell them too. After the lengthy illnesses, there was no valuable estate to divide.

For those of you waiting for a parent to die so you will get the family home, it very well will not happen if there is a surviving parent who wants to live in it or to sell it. Inheritance comes after death, usually of both parents.

Until next time,
Alice

Caregiver for a Parent

Meeting topics seem to go in cycles. The past few meetings have been about caring for an elderly parent. This will include some questions and answers. Please be sure to add your comments.

Q: I sleep with my mother so I will hear her when she needs something. Do you think this is a good thing.

A: No, I don’t. Parents I have talked to are very uncomfortable with that arrangement. It makes them feel like a small child and they are afraid to move or take a deep breath for fear of waking their bedmate. The adult child bedmate does not get a good night’s rest for much the same reason since he or she is afraid to move for fear of waking the parent. It is like keeping one eye open all night just in case something goes wrong.

Q: I don’t want to be in another room. What’s the answer?

A: Is there room for a folding cot by the bed? It might not be as comfortable, but one might get more or a better rest. How about putting an inflatable mattress beside the bed? You might even find that back problems go away. At least, each of you can move about in a normal way.

Rest is often at a premium when the parent needs to go to the bathroom or have medication or a drink of water. One can seldom get back to sleep immediately and often becomes a grouchy caregiver not matter how much one loves the parent or wants to do it.

The same goes for caregivers of spouses. Sleeping in the same bed is much more comfortable spouses, but there often comes a time when the caregiver gets more rest when the “big” bed is exchanged for twin beds or by adding a twin bed.

Please remember to take care of the caregiver by asking for help or respite care so you can get out for even a few hours of freedom from being on alert. When you become sick, there will be nobody to care for the patient.

Until next,
Alice

Holidays and Summer

This Memorial Day weekend signals the start of summer for many people. It also means many children are out of school. It is a time of vacations and swimming pool accidents.

Assign someone to watch the swimming pool to insure no children drown. Drink responsibly and do not drive while drinking. Do not ride with drunk drivers. Watch for children playing in the streets. It only takes a few minutes to end a life or to change a lifetime.

Have a safe and sane Holiday and Summer!

Until next time,
Alice

Birthdays and Orphaned Adults

It is my Birthday. I do not feel as if I am getting old, but my body does not lie. I am often asked if I would want to relive my life. I do not have to think for one second. Absolutely not! Life has been hard. I have learned a lot. Much of it too late to do me any real good, but maybe I can share some of the things I have learned and make life easier for someone else. That is not the way it really works. It seems each of us must make our own mistakes and stumbles throughout life.

I have dealt with a variety of topics this week. The most persistent one was adults who lost their last parent to death. Most of us expect our parents to die within our lifetime, yet when it happens, we are suddenly lost little children---orphaned adults. Everything changes-relationships with other family members, strange feelings and emotions within our being, our identity, and our role within the family. This is true even when the family has been estranged for many years. Many families never make peace with each other and death erases the chance. Sometimes the heavy burden of guilt takes over, making life that much harder.

It seems strange to me that it was 1999 before a book was published on the subject. It is The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents by Alexander Levy. It is worth a read even if you still have your parents because the chances are you will become an orphaned adult.

Until next time,
Alice

Happy Mother’s Day to All

My wish for each mother and single parent dad is to receive a card with this message on it. “Dear Mom,If I could only give you one thing, it would be the ability to see yourself through the eyes of others, then you would see how special you truly are. Love your son.” The signature was not my son but a friend of his.

I could hardly see through the tears to walk back to work. Once again I realized how important a few well-chosen words could be to a person. Please no matter how young or old you are, say or better yet, write a few words of love and appreciation to the person or persons who have been important in your life. Many single parent dads get a Mother’s Day card as well as a Father’s Day card every year.

I am getting over some kind of flu-bug so until next time,
Alice

No Date for Prom

For many young people, it feels like the end of the world when prom time comes and they have no date. I am told that no school requires “couples only” can attend the prom. It is your prom if it is your school and many goes without dates or in small groups. I did not attend high school so I have no idea what it would be like to go to a prom. We were very poor and I could not have had a pretty dress. I never learned to dance either.

Some of my clients choose not to attend prom because they do not believe in dancing or cannot afford to go. What do they do instead? Some invite friends to their home and watch movies or have a picnic. Some working students volunteer to take a co-workers shift so he or she can attend. Some students spend the day visiting nursing homes and entertaining the folks their. Yes, and there are those who feel alone and need a friend. Think of creative ways to befriend that person. It will make you both feel better.

One young man told me he could not afford to go to his prom and spent the evening checking out college programs and making plans for his future. He is in his third year of college (at a university he had never heard of) and wants to become a school counselor. He says school, in any grade, should not be as painful as it is. He also said one of his friends was killed on the way home from the prom. Had he gone, he probably would have been in that car.

Don’t drink and drive! Don’t ride with a driver who is drinking! Before the big night make arrangements for a ride home if you feel unsafe. It may be a parent, another adult, or a friend. Be safe and enjoy your prom.

For those graduating, congratulations! Think about continuing school in some form whether it be college or vocational. Have a safe summer.

Until next time,
Alice

Early Warnings of Date Violence and Safety

Early Warnings of Date Violence and Safety

Here is a list of early warning signs that your date may eventually become abusive:

* Extreme jealousy
* Controlling behavior
* Quick involvement
* Unpredictable mood swings
* Alcohol and drug use
* Explosive anger
* Isolates you from friends and family
* Uses force during an argument
* Shows hypersensitivity
* Believes in rigid sex roles
* Blames others for his problems or feelings
* Cruel to animals or children
* Verbally abusive
* Abused former partners
* Threatens violence

Did you read this list carefully? I thought I heard you say things like, “It only happened once,” “He was so sorry,” “He wasn’t himself,” or “I can change him.” Don’t count on it! You all know someone who has been abused by the person who is suppose to love them. You have heard them make excuses or even say it is their fault. I’m not going to preach on the subject, but I will give you some ways to make your dates safe. Remember: Girls/women abuse boys/men or other females.

Here are some ways to make dating safer:

* Consider double-dating the first few times you go out with a new person.
* Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make sure a parent or friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home. Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell that person when you get in.
* Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
* If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely.
* Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships.
* Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation.

I probably copied this from one or more web sites, but I have no idea which ones. I think trusting your instincts are the most important.

Until next time,
Alice