Summer is over, classes have started, and my how time flies. I already have talked to five parents of high school students who made new friends and ended up drunk. In one case, the parent decided she had been too strict and not given her child enough freedom to make wise choices earlier in life. I believe two other sets of parents may have kept too close reins on children and they went wild when they got the chance. It is going to be an interesting year.
As parents, we need to find ways to allow our children enough freedom to make mistakes and suffer the consequences before those consequences become life issues. Children need choices and accept responsibility for their actions. this lesson can start very early in life.
I have enrolled in two Communication Studies classes and find both to be interesting. One is political and one is interpersonal. We cannot not know too much on communication! Making a living and studying will take much of my time, but I will try to post interesting tidbits.
Until next time,
Alice
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Funerals and Memorials
This has been a horrible week on two fronts and both concern the death of a parent and kids not following the wishes for their funeral or memorial.
Note: The definition of a funeral is with a body present and a memorial is without the body as having an urn of ashes present, or a picture of person, or just a get together for happy memories. For all of the older people I work with a funeral means sad songs, lots of crying and a "preacher" standing there saying things when he knows nothing about the family. For these people, a memorial or celebration of life is upbeat and fun, and yes, there may be tears also.
In one case, the body was buried when the person wanted to be cremated because that person could not stand tight places. Family and friends all knew this, but someone with certain religious beliefs made the decision. This has caused a serious rift in the family that may never heal. I for one am heart sick about it. The cost of the funeral will hurt the family economically, but the person did not get their wish even in death.
The other case involved a service in a church totally against that person’s belief. That person did not want sad songs. That person wanted an outdoor memorial in a park with grass and trees and a potluck meal. Friends knew what local Big Band the person wanted to play upbeat songs of an earlier time. Some religions are similar enough that perhaps beliefs can be put aside because one family member belongs and the building is free. For some people, it might not be a problem at all. In this case, the person did not think the church would allow it to happen since that was not the person’s faith. Parks are free if money were an issue.
What went wrong? Please read and take away some vital lessons. Kids and parents often do not talk about death and their wishes. In both situations, the kids say, “I didn’t know,” or “I wasn’t told.” The deceased party may have mentioned it, but kids, no matter how old did not listen because that parent was not ever going to die.
In both cases, I begged and pleaded with the deceased to put their wishes in writing so the kids would know. Apparently neither of them did. I knew both of them for many years and no one from the family asked me if I knew anything.
Another thing to be respectful of is the organizations donations should be sent to in their memory. Many living people assume (incorrectly) that wherever the donations go to means that is what was wrong with the deceased person. This means that people will think the person had Alzheimer’s Disease if donations go there. While it may be a fact that they did, they would not want anyone to think so. Tonight, I sit here terribly sad at what has happened. Some say it does not matter and perhaps it doesn’t. Perhaps, for me it is the fact that the two deaths are so close together.
Please, ask your parent what their wishes are when they die. Parents, please make your wishes known in writing for your children. Most family members want to respect and follow your wishes if they can. Help them do that. If you do not know what the wishes are, ask friends and other family members.
On a happier note: Happy Birthday to Kari, my 16-year-old granddaughter.
Note: The definition of a funeral is with a body present and a memorial is without the body as having an urn of ashes present, or a picture of person, or just a get together for happy memories. For all of the older people I work with a funeral means sad songs, lots of crying and a "preacher" standing there saying things when he knows nothing about the family. For these people, a memorial or celebration of life is upbeat and fun, and yes, there may be tears also.
In one case, the body was buried when the person wanted to be cremated because that person could not stand tight places. Family and friends all knew this, but someone with certain religious beliefs made the decision. This has caused a serious rift in the family that may never heal. I for one am heart sick about it. The cost of the funeral will hurt the family economically, but the person did not get their wish even in death.
The other case involved a service in a church totally against that person’s belief. That person did not want sad songs. That person wanted an outdoor memorial in a park with grass and trees and a potluck meal. Friends knew what local Big Band the person wanted to play upbeat songs of an earlier time. Some religions are similar enough that perhaps beliefs can be put aside because one family member belongs and the building is free. For some people, it might not be a problem at all. In this case, the person did not think the church would allow it to happen since that was not the person’s faith. Parks are free if money were an issue.
What went wrong? Please read and take away some vital lessons. Kids and parents often do not talk about death and their wishes. In both situations, the kids say, “I didn’t know,” or “I wasn’t told.” The deceased party may have mentioned it, but kids, no matter how old did not listen because that parent was not ever going to die.
In both cases, I begged and pleaded with the deceased to put their wishes in writing so the kids would know. Apparently neither of them did. I knew both of them for many years and no one from the family asked me if I knew anything.
Another thing to be respectful of is the organizations donations should be sent to in their memory. Many living people assume (incorrectly) that wherever the donations go to means that is what was wrong with the deceased person. This means that people will think the person had Alzheimer’s Disease if donations go there. While it may be a fact that they did, they would not want anyone to think so. Tonight, I sit here terribly sad at what has happened. Some say it does not matter and perhaps it doesn’t. Perhaps, for me it is the fact that the two deaths are so close together.
Please, ask your parent what their wishes are when they die. Parents, please make your wishes known in writing for your children. Most family members want to respect and follow your wishes if they can. Help them do that. If you do not know what the wishes are, ask friends and other family members.
On a happier note: Happy Birthday to Kari, my 16-year-old granddaughter.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Diversity in Families
I am taking a summer class on diversity in our society. This includes race, ethnicity, and gender. When families come to me for help in their relationships, I try to find out as much about their background as possible in a few minutes.
How we were raised affects how we act or react to situations. This includes how big the family was, our place in the family, religion, types of work our parents did, how we were disciplined, etc. It is a fact that couples from similar backgrounds and with the same core values stay together longer and has fewer arguments.
Yes, I heard that! I agree that often opposites do attract, but the more alike you are, the better chance you have of staying together. I cannot stress that often enough.
What to do if you have a committed relationship. Take time to talk seriously (without the television on or other distraction). This is not a time to argue it a time to explore. Define the words you use.
Case in point. Last week, a couple talked to me because she said he lied to her. When they talked about having a family, she said she wanted a lot of kids and he said he did too. The problem, she came from a family of 11 kids and he an only child. The three kids they have are not many to her and a lot to him. They did not define what “many” meant to each of them. She finally was convinced he had not lied to her, but she still wants three or four more. He says they cannot afford to raise more than they have.
Until next time,
Alice
How we were raised affects how we act or react to situations. This includes how big the family was, our place in the family, religion, types of work our parents did, how we were disciplined, etc. It is a fact that couples from similar backgrounds and with the same core values stay together longer and has fewer arguments.
Yes, I heard that! I agree that often opposites do attract, but the more alike you are, the better chance you have of staying together. I cannot stress that often enough.
What to do if you have a committed relationship. Take time to talk seriously (without the television on or other distraction). This is not a time to argue it a time to explore. Define the words you use.
Case in point. Last week, a couple talked to me because she said he lied to her. When they talked about having a family, she said she wanted a lot of kids and he said he did too. The problem, she came from a family of 11 kids and he an only child. The three kids they have are not many to her and a lot to him. They did not define what “many” meant to each of them. She finally was convinced he had not lied to her, but she still wants three or four more. He says they cannot afford to raise more than they have.
Until next time,
Alice
Monday, July 5, 2010
Kids, Water, and Safety
Kids, Water and Safety
It is summertime and I have already heard about several small children drowning in back yard swimming pools. Please be sure there is adult supervision when children are around a pool even a child’s pool. It takes very little water for a little one to drown. It only takes a few seconds for a child to slip out of sight. Water is like a magnet.
Here is a tip I had never heard. On the last day of swimming lessons, JoAnn’s 2 year-old granddaughter and classmates were told to jump in the pool with their clothes on. Why? When children fall into a pool fully dressed, they panic even when they can swim. The instructor was giving them the chance to see what it felt like to swim in their clothes. Worrying about Mommy being mad because they are getting their clothes wet could cause part of the panic. Makes sense to me.
Watch for kids darting into streets and playing in driveways.
Have a great and safe summer.
Until next time.
Alice
It is summertime and I have already heard about several small children drowning in back yard swimming pools. Please be sure there is adult supervision when children are around a pool even a child’s pool. It takes very little water for a little one to drown. It only takes a few seconds for a child to slip out of sight. Water is like a magnet.
Here is a tip I had never heard. On the last day of swimming lessons, JoAnn’s 2 year-old granddaughter and classmates were told to jump in the pool with their clothes on. Why? When children fall into a pool fully dressed, they panic even when they can swim. The instructor was giving them the chance to see what it felt like to swim in their clothes. Worrying about Mommy being mad because they are getting their clothes wet could cause part of the panic. Makes sense to me.
Watch for kids darting into streets and playing in driveways.
Have a great and safe summer.
Until next time.
Alice
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Happy Father's Day
Happy Father's Day to all the "Dads" out there!
Remember Dad today (and every day). That includes biological, adoptive, stepdad, foster dad, and anyone who acts as a dad. Sometimes that is the neighbor, granddad, teacher, or someone else. Sometimes that is the single mother acting as both parents. Just let them know you appreciate them being there for you.
Remember: Love grows as it is spread around. Love is never forgotten.
Until next time,
Alice
Remember Dad today (and every day). That includes biological, adoptive, stepdad, foster dad, and anyone who acts as a dad. Sometimes that is the neighbor, granddad, teacher, or someone else. Sometimes that is the single mother acting as both parents. Just let them know you appreciate them being there for you.
Remember: Love grows as it is spread around. Love is never forgotten.
Until next time,
Alice
Monday, June 14, 2010
Dad Sold My Inheritance
Inheritance has come up three times this week, once when Mom was given the house through divorce and two after the death of one parent. In each case, the parent with the house told the adult kids they were selling the home before doing so. Some of the kids was okay with that, but one in each family was angry and believed the parent should have just given the house to them. It had been their home for several years as children and they believed it was their inheritance.
I was able to talk to each parent and was told the kids had all been given a chance to buy it at a below market price with the parent holding the mortgage. Each parent did not “need” the money, but the memories were just too much to handle. Each parent felt they needed a fresh start. In each case the children had been gone from home for over 15 years and had not contributed to the upkeep and seldom visited even though all three lived less than 500 miles from here.
Sorry, Kids, your parent does not owe you that house just because it was your home when you were a child. Inheritance is just that, an inheritance after they have died!
In one case, Mom had been very ill for several years with only Dad as the caregiver. The other Dad had visited his wife in the Alzheimer’s unit for years before she died. Oddly enough, neither complainer actually wanted to live in the houses, they intended to sell them too. After the lengthy illnesses, there was no valuable estate to divide.
For those of you waiting for a parent to die so you will get the family home, it very well will not happen if there is a surviving parent who wants to live in it or to sell it. Inheritance comes after death, usually of both parents.
Until next time,
Alice
I was able to talk to each parent and was told the kids had all been given a chance to buy it at a below market price with the parent holding the mortgage. Each parent did not “need” the money, but the memories were just too much to handle. Each parent felt they needed a fresh start. In each case the children had been gone from home for over 15 years and had not contributed to the upkeep and seldom visited even though all three lived less than 500 miles from here.
Sorry, Kids, your parent does not owe you that house just because it was your home when you were a child. Inheritance is just that, an inheritance after they have died!
In one case, Mom had been very ill for several years with only Dad as the caregiver. The other Dad had visited his wife in the Alzheimer’s unit for years before she died. Oddly enough, neither complainer actually wanted to live in the houses, they intended to sell them too. After the lengthy illnesses, there was no valuable estate to divide.
For those of you waiting for a parent to die so you will get the family home, it very well will not happen if there is a surviving parent who wants to live in it or to sell it. Inheritance comes after death, usually of both parents.
Until next time,
Alice
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Caregiver for a Parent
Meeting topics seem to go in cycles. The past few meetings have been about caring for an elderly parent. This will include some questions and answers. Please be sure to add your comments.
Q: I sleep with my mother so I will hear her when she needs something. Do you think this is a good thing.
A: No, I don’t. Parents I have talked to are very uncomfortable with that arrangement. It makes them feel like a small child and they are afraid to move or take a deep breath for fear of waking their bedmate. The adult child bedmate does not get a good night’s rest for much the same reason since he or she is afraid to move for fear of waking the parent. It is like keeping one eye open all night just in case something goes wrong.
Q: I don’t want to be in another room. What’s the answer?
A: Is there room for a folding cot by the bed? It might not be as comfortable, but one might get more or a better rest. How about putting an inflatable mattress beside the bed? You might even find that back problems go away. At least, each of you can move about in a normal way.
Rest is often at a premium when the parent needs to go to the bathroom or have medication or a drink of water. One can seldom get back to sleep immediately and often becomes a grouchy caregiver not matter how much one loves the parent or wants to do it.
The same goes for caregivers of spouses. Sleeping in the same bed is much more comfortable spouses, but there often comes a time when the caregiver gets more rest when the “big” bed is exchanged for twin beds or by adding a twin bed.
Please remember to take care of the caregiver by asking for help or respite care so you can get out for even a few hours of freedom from being on alert. When you become sick, there will be nobody to care for the patient.
Until next,
Alice
Q: I sleep with my mother so I will hear her when she needs something. Do you think this is a good thing.
A: No, I don’t. Parents I have talked to are very uncomfortable with that arrangement. It makes them feel like a small child and they are afraid to move or take a deep breath for fear of waking their bedmate. The adult child bedmate does not get a good night’s rest for much the same reason since he or she is afraid to move for fear of waking the parent. It is like keeping one eye open all night just in case something goes wrong.
Q: I don’t want to be in another room. What’s the answer?
A: Is there room for a folding cot by the bed? It might not be as comfortable, but one might get more or a better rest. How about putting an inflatable mattress beside the bed? You might even find that back problems go away. At least, each of you can move about in a normal way.
Rest is often at a premium when the parent needs to go to the bathroom or have medication or a drink of water. One can seldom get back to sleep immediately and often becomes a grouchy caregiver not matter how much one loves the parent or wants to do it.
The same goes for caregivers of spouses. Sleeping in the same bed is much more comfortable spouses, but there often comes a time when the caregiver gets more rest when the “big” bed is exchanged for twin beds or by adding a twin bed.
Please remember to take care of the caregiver by asking for help or respite care so you can get out for even a few hours of freedom from being on alert. When you become sick, there will be nobody to care for the patient.
Until next,
Alice
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