I just word that Wisdom for Parents: Key ideas from parent educator is going to press!
Final submission of the manuscript to the publisher is Dec. 15th. The release date is in early Feb. in time for the conference at UNT, the 17th International Conference On Parent Education!
This book will have will have 57 authors and is the brainchild of Robert E. Keim, Ph.D., CFLE Emeritus, Professor Emeritus, Northern Illinois Univ. I am happy to say that I am one of those authors (unless I get cut for some reason).
I will update news as I receive it.
Until next time,
Alice
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Fall is Here
Where does the time go? School and classes for young and old consumes a lot of time. gardeners and farmers in many areas are busy reaping the rewards of their labor (I hope). In some parts of the country there has been snow already. Yes, fall is here.
Many young people going off to classes, especially those leaving home, are running into many temptations with some disastrous results. Many have over-dosed on drugs or alcohol, not always fatal, all of them could have been.
Why is this happening? Partly because some parents have kept too close a reign on their children and have not allowed them to make choices when they were at home. One lady told me she had demanded her 18 year old son be home by 9:00 during the week and 10:00 on the weekends. She said he went to church with her and knew the evils of drinking and doing drugs. She could not understand how he nearly died from a drug overdose in his first week of college.
Parents, we must let our children have some freedom so they will be able to make better choices when they are on their own. There are many parenting web sites, blogs, and articles. Check some of them out and talk to your children at all ages. don't be afraid to say you do not know and then search for the answers together.
Until next time,
Alice
Many young people going off to classes, especially those leaving home, are running into many temptations with some disastrous results. Many have over-dosed on drugs or alcohol, not always fatal, all of them could have been.
Why is this happening? Partly because some parents have kept too close a reign on their children and have not allowed them to make choices when they were at home. One lady told me she had demanded her 18 year old son be home by 9:00 during the week and 10:00 on the weekends. She said he went to church with her and knew the evils of drinking and doing drugs. She could not understand how he nearly died from a drug overdose in his first week of college.
Parents, we must let our children have some freedom so they will be able to make better choices when they are on their own. There are many parenting web sites, blogs, and articles. Check some of them out and talk to your children at all ages. don't be afraid to say you do not know and then search for the answers together.
Until next time,
Alice
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Summer Is Over
Summer is over, classes have started, and my how time flies. I already have talked to five parents of high school students who made new friends and ended up drunk. In one case, the parent decided she had been too strict and not given her child enough freedom to make wise choices earlier in life. I believe two other sets of parents may have kept too close reins on children and they went wild when they got the chance. It is going to be an interesting year.
As parents, we need to find ways to allow our children enough freedom to make mistakes and suffer the consequences before those consequences become life issues. Children need choices and accept responsibility for their actions. this lesson can start very early in life.
I have enrolled in two Communication Studies classes and find both to be interesting. One is political and one is interpersonal. We cannot not know too much on communication! Making a living and studying will take much of my time, but I will try to post interesting tidbits.
Until next time,
Alice
As parents, we need to find ways to allow our children enough freedom to make mistakes and suffer the consequences before those consequences become life issues. Children need choices and accept responsibility for their actions. this lesson can start very early in life.
I have enrolled in two Communication Studies classes and find both to be interesting. One is political and one is interpersonal. We cannot not know too much on communication! Making a living and studying will take much of my time, but I will try to post interesting tidbits.
Until next time,
Alice
Friday, July 23, 2010
Funerals and Memorials
This has been a horrible week on two fronts and both concern the death of a parent and kids not following the wishes for their funeral or memorial.
Note: The definition of a funeral is with a body present and a memorial is without the body as having an urn of ashes present, or a picture of person, or just a get together for happy memories. For all of the older people I work with a funeral means sad songs, lots of crying and a "preacher" standing there saying things when he knows nothing about the family. For these people, a memorial or celebration of life is upbeat and fun, and yes, there may be tears also.
In one case, the body was buried when the person wanted to be cremated because that person could not stand tight places. Family and friends all knew this, but someone with certain religious beliefs made the decision. This has caused a serious rift in the family that may never heal. I for one am heart sick about it. The cost of the funeral will hurt the family economically, but the person did not get their wish even in death.
The other case involved a service in a church totally against that person’s belief. That person did not want sad songs. That person wanted an outdoor memorial in a park with grass and trees and a potluck meal. Friends knew what local Big Band the person wanted to play upbeat songs of an earlier time. Some religions are similar enough that perhaps beliefs can be put aside because one family member belongs and the building is free. For some people, it might not be a problem at all. In this case, the person did not think the church would allow it to happen since that was not the person’s faith. Parks are free if money were an issue.
What went wrong? Please read and take away some vital lessons. Kids and parents often do not talk about death and their wishes. In both situations, the kids say, “I didn’t know,” or “I wasn’t told.” The deceased party may have mentioned it, but kids, no matter how old did not listen because that parent was not ever going to die.
In both cases, I begged and pleaded with the deceased to put their wishes in writing so the kids would know. Apparently neither of them did. I knew both of them for many years and no one from the family asked me if I knew anything.
Another thing to be respectful of is the organizations donations should be sent to in their memory. Many living people assume (incorrectly) that wherever the donations go to means that is what was wrong with the deceased person. This means that people will think the person had Alzheimer’s Disease if donations go there. While it may be a fact that they did, they would not want anyone to think so. Tonight, I sit here terribly sad at what has happened. Some say it does not matter and perhaps it doesn’t. Perhaps, for me it is the fact that the two deaths are so close together.
Please, ask your parent what their wishes are when they die. Parents, please make your wishes known in writing for your children. Most family members want to respect and follow your wishes if they can. Help them do that. If you do not know what the wishes are, ask friends and other family members.
On a happier note: Happy Birthday to Kari, my 16-year-old granddaughter.
Note: The definition of a funeral is with a body present and a memorial is without the body as having an urn of ashes present, or a picture of person, or just a get together for happy memories. For all of the older people I work with a funeral means sad songs, lots of crying and a "preacher" standing there saying things when he knows nothing about the family. For these people, a memorial or celebration of life is upbeat and fun, and yes, there may be tears also.
In one case, the body was buried when the person wanted to be cremated because that person could not stand tight places. Family and friends all knew this, but someone with certain religious beliefs made the decision. This has caused a serious rift in the family that may never heal. I for one am heart sick about it. The cost of the funeral will hurt the family economically, but the person did not get their wish even in death.
The other case involved a service in a church totally against that person’s belief. That person did not want sad songs. That person wanted an outdoor memorial in a park with grass and trees and a potluck meal. Friends knew what local Big Band the person wanted to play upbeat songs of an earlier time. Some religions are similar enough that perhaps beliefs can be put aside because one family member belongs and the building is free. For some people, it might not be a problem at all. In this case, the person did not think the church would allow it to happen since that was not the person’s faith. Parks are free if money were an issue.
What went wrong? Please read and take away some vital lessons. Kids and parents often do not talk about death and their wishes. In both situations, the kids say, “I didn’t know,” or “I wasn’t told.” The deceased party may have mentioned it, but kids, no matter how old did not listen because that parent was not ever going to die.
In both cases, I begged and pleaded with the deceased to put their wishes in writing so the kids would know. Apparently neither of them did. I knew both of them for many years and no one from the family asked me if I knew anything.
Another thing to be respectful of is the organizations donations should be sent to in their memory. Many living people assume (incorrectly) that wherever the donations go to means that is what was wrong with the deceased person. This means that people will think the person had Alzheimer’s Disease if donations go there. While it may be a fact that they did, they would not want anyone to think so. Tonight, I sit here terribly sad at what has happened. Some say it does not matter and perhaps it doesn’t. Perhaps, for me it is the fact that the two deaths are so close together.
Please, ask your parent what their wishes are when they die. Parents, please make your wishes known in writing for your children. Most family members want to respect and follow your wishes if they can. Help them do that. If you do not know what the wishes are, ask friends and other family members.
On a happier note: Happy Birthday to Kari, my 16-year-old granddaughter.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Diversity in Families
I am taking a summer class on diversity in our society. This includes race, ethnicity, and gender. When families come to me for help in their relationships, I try to find out as much about their background as possible in a few minutes.
How we were raised affects how we act or react to situations. This includes how big the family was, our place in the family, religion, types of work our parents did, how we were disciplined, etc. It is a fact that couples from similar backgrounds and with the same core values stay together longer and has fewer arguments.
Yes, I heard that! I agree that often opposites do attract, but the more alike you are, the better chance you have of staying together. I cannot stress that often enough.
What to do if you have a committed relationship. Take time to talk seriously (without the television on or other distraction). This is not a time to argue it a time to explore. Define the words you use.
Case in point. Last week, a couple talked to me because she said he lied to her. When they talked about having a family, she said she wanted a lot of kids and he said he did too. The problem, she came from a family of 11 kids and he an only child. The three kids they have are not many to her and a lot to him. They did not define what “many” meant to each of them. She finally was convinced he had not lied to her, but she still wants three or four more. He says they cannot afford to raise more than they have.
Until next time,
Alice
How we were raised affects how we act or react to situations. This includes how big the family was, our place in the family, religion, types of work our parents did, how we were disciplined, etc. It is a fact that couples from similar backgrounds and with the same core values stay together longer and has fewer arguments.
Yes, I heard that! I agree that often opposites do attract, but the more alike you are, the better chance you have of staying together. I cannot stress that often enough.
What to do if you have a committed relationship. Take time to talk seriously (without the television on or other distraction). This is not a time to argue it a time to explore. Define the words you use.
Case in point. Last week, a couple talked to me because she said he lied to her. When they talked about having a family, she said she wanted a lot of kids and he said he did too. The problem, she came from a family of 11 kids and he an only child. The three kids they have are not many to her and a lot to him. They did not define what “many” meant to each of them. She finally was convinced he had not lied to her, but she still wants three or four more. He says they cannot afford to raise more than they have.
Until next time,
Alice
Monday, July 5, 2010
Kids, Water, and Safety
Kids, Water and Safety
It is summertime and I have already heard about several small children drowning in back yard swimming pools. Please be sure there is adult supervision when children are around a pool even a child’s pool. It takes very little water for a little one to drown. It only takes a few seconds for a child to slip out of sight. Water is like a magnet.
Here is a tip I had never heard. On the last day of swimming lessons, JoAnn’s 2 year-old granddaughter and classmates were told to jump in the pool with their clothes on. Why? When children fall into a pool fully dressed, they panic even when they can swim. The instructor was giving them the chance to see what it felt like to swim in their clothes. Worrying about Mommy being mad because they are getting their clothes wet could cause part of the panic. Makes sense to me.
Watch for kids darting into streets and playing in driveways.
Have a great and safe summer.
Until next time.
Alice
It is summertime and I have already heard about several small children drowning in back yard swimming pools. Please be sure there is adult supervision when children are around a pool even a child’s pool. It takes very little water for a little one to drown. It only takes a few seconds for a child to slip out of sight. Water is like a magnet.
Here is a tip I had never heard. On the last day of swimming lessons, JoAnn’s 2 year-old granddaughter and classmates were told to jump in the pool with their clothes on. Why? When children fall into a pool fully dressed, they panic even when they can swim. The instructor was giving them the chance to see what it felt like to swim in their clothes. Worrying about Mommy being mad because they are getting their clothes wet could cause part of the panic. Makes sense to me.
Watch for kids darting into streets and playing in driveways.
Have a great and safe summer.
Until next time.
Alice
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Happy Father's Day
Happy Father's Day to all the "Dads" out there!
Remember Dad today (and every day). That includes biological, adoptive, stepdad, foster dad, and anyone who acts as a dad. Sometimes that is the neighbor, granddad, teacher, or someone else. Sometimes that is the single mother acting as both parents. Just let them know you appreciate them being there for you.
Remember: Love grows as it is spread around. Love is never forgotten.
Until next time,
Alice
Remember Dad today (and every day). That includes biological, adoptive, stepdad, foster dad, and anyone who acts as a dad. Sometimes that is the neighbor, granddad, teacher, or someone else. Sometimes that is the single mother acting as both parents. Just let them know you appreciate them being there for you.
Remember: Love grows as it is spread around. Love is never forgotten.
Until next time,
Alice
Monday, June 14, 2010
Dad Sold My Inheritance
Inheritance has come up three times this week, once when Mom was given the house through divorce and two after the death of one parent. In each case, the parent with the house told the adult kids they were selling the home before doing so. Some of the kids was okay with that, but one in each family was angry and believed the parent should have just given the house to them. It had been their home for several years as children and they believed it was their inheritance.
I was able to talk to each parent and was told the kids had all been given a chance to buy it at a below market price with the parent holding the mortgage. Each parent did not “need” the money, but the memories were just too much to handle. Each parent felt they needed a fresh start. In each case the children had been gone from home for over 15 years and had not contributed to the upkeep and seldom visited even though all three lived less than 500 miles from here.
Sorry, Kids, your parent does not owe you that house just because it was your home when you were a child. Inheritance is just that, an inheritance after they have died!
In one case, Mom had been very ill for several years with only Dad as the caregiver. The other Dad had visited his wife in the Alzheimer’s unit for years before she died. Oddly enough, neither complainer actually wanted to live in the houses, they intended to sell them too. After the lengthy illnesses, there was no valuable estate to divide.
For those of you waiting for a parent to die so you will get the family home, it very well will not happen if there is a surviving parent who wants to live in it or to sell it. Inheritance comes after death, usually of both parents.
Until next time,
Alice
I was able to talk to each parent and was told the kids had all been given a chance to buy it at a below market price with the parent holding the mortgage. Each parent did not “need” the money, but the memories were just too much to handle. Each parent felt they needed a fresh start. In each case the children had been gone from home for over 15 years and had not contributed to the upkeep and seldom visited even though all three lived less than 500 miles from here.
Sorry, Kids, your parent does not owe you that house just because it was your home when you were a child. Inheritance is just that, an inheritance after they have died!
In one case, Mom had been very ill for several years with only Dad as the caregiver. The other Dad had visited his wife in the Alzheimer’s unit for years before she died. Oddly enough, neither complainer actually wanted to live in the houses, they intended to sell them too. After the lengthy illnesses, there was no valuable estate to divide.
For those of you waiting for a parent to die so you will get the family home, it very well will not happen if there is a surviving parent who wants to live in it or to sell it. Inheritance comes after death, usually of both parents.
Until next time,
Alice
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Caregiver for a Parent
Meeting topics seem to go in cycles. The past few meetings have been about caring for an elderly parent. This will include some questions and answers. Please be sure to add your comments.
Q: I sleep with my mother so I will hear her when she needs something. Do you think this is a good thing.
A: No, I don’t. Parents I have talked to are very uncomfortable with that arrangement. It makes them feel like a small child and they are afraid to move or take a deep breath for fear of waking their bedmate. The adult child bedmate does not get a good night’s rest for much the same reason since he or she is afraid to move for fear of waking the parent. It is like keeping one eye open all night just in case something goes wrong.
Q: I don’t want to be in another room. What’s the answer?
A: Is there room for a folding cot by the bed? It might not be as comfortable, but one might get more or a better rest. How about putting an inflatable mattress beside the bed? You might even find that back problems go away. At least, each of you can move about in a normal way.
Rest is often at a premium when the parent needs to go to the bathroom or have medication or a drink of water. One can seldom get back to sleep immediately and often becomes a grouchy caregiver not matter how much one loves the parent or wants to do it.
The same goes for caregivers of spouses. Sleeping in the same bed is much more comfortable spouses, but there often comes a time when the caregiver gets more rest when the “big” bed is exchanged for twin beds or by adding a twin bed.
Please remember to take care of the caregiver by asking for help or respite care so you can get out for even a few hours of freedom from being on alert. When you become sick, there will be nobody to care for the patient.
Until next,
Alice
Q: I sleep with my mother so I will hear her when she needs something. Do you think this is a good thing.
A: No, I don’t. Parents I have talked to are very uncomfortable with that arrangement. It makes them feel like a small child and they are afraid to move or take a deep breath for fear of waking their bedmate. The adult child bedmate does not get a good night’s rest for much the same reason since he or she is afraid to move for fear of waking the parent. It is like keeping one eye open all night just in case something goes wrong.
Q: I don’t want to be in another room. What’s the answer?
A: Is there room for a folding cot by the bed? It might not be as comfortable, but one might get more or a better rest. How about putting an inflatable mattress beside the bed? You might even find that back problems go away. At least, each of you can move about in a normal way.
Rest is often at a premium when the parent needs to go to the bathroom or have medication or a drink of water. One can seldom get back to sleep immediately and often becomes a grouchy caregiver not matter how much one loves the parent or wants to do it.
The same goes for caregivers of spouses. Sleeping in the same bed is much more comfortable spouses, but there often comes a time when the caregiver gets more rest when the “big” bed is exchanged for twin beds or by adding a twin bed.
Please remember to take care of the caregiver by asking for help or respite care so you can get out for even a few hours of freedom from being on alert. When you become sick, there will be nobody to care for the patient.
Until next,
Alice
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Holidays and Summer
This Memorial Day weekend signals the start of summer for many people. It also means many children are out of school. It is a time of vacations and swimming pool accidents.
Assign someone to watch the swimming pool to insure no children drown. Drink responsibly and do not drive while drinking. Do not ride with drunk drivers. Watch for children playing in the streets. It only takes a few minutes to end a life or to change a lifetime.
Have a safe and sane Holiday and Summer!
Until next time,
Alice
Assign someone to watch the swimming pool to insure no children drown. Drink responsibly and do not drive while drinking. Do not ride with drunk drivers. Watch for children playing in the streets. It only takes a few minutes to end a life or to change a lifetime.
Have a safe and sane Holiday and Summer!
Until next time,
Alice
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Birthdays and Orphaned Adults
It is my Birthday. I do not feel as if I am getting old, but my body does not lie. I am often asked if I would want to relive my life. I do not have to think for one second. Absolutely not! Life has been hard. I have learned a lot. Much of it too late to do me any real good, but maybe I can share some of the things I have learned and make life easier for someone else. That is not the way it really works. It seems each of us must make our own mistakes and stumbles throughout life.
I have dealt with a variety of topics this week. The most persistent one was adults who lost their last parent to death. Most of us expect our parents to die within our lifetime, yet when it happens, we are suddenly lost little children---orphaned adults. Everything changes-relationships with other family members, strange feelings and emotions within our being, our identity, and our role within the family. This is true even when the family has been estranged for many years. Many families never make peace with each other and death erases the chance. Sometimes the heavy burden of guilt takes over, making life that much harder.
It seems strange to me that it was 1999 before a book was published on the subject. It is The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents
by Alexander Levy. It is worth a read even if you still have your parents because the chances are you will become an orphaned adult.
Until next time,
Alice
I have dealt with a variety of topics this week. The most persistent one was adults who lost their last parent to death. Most of us expect our parents to die within our lifetime, yet when it happens, we are suddenly lost little children---orphaned adults. Everything changes-relationships with other family members, strange feelings and emotions within our being, our identity, and our role within the family. This is true even when the family has been estranged for many years. Many families never make peace with each other and death erases the chance. Sometimes the heavy burden of guilt takes over, making life that much harder.
It seems strange to me that it was 1999 before a book was published on the subject. It is The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents
by Alexander Levy. It is worth a read even if you still have your parents because the chances are you will become an orphaned adult.Until next time,
Alice
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Happy Mother’s Day to All
My wish for each mother and single parent dad is to receive a card with this message on it. “Dear Mom,If I could only give you one thing, it would be the ability to see yourself through the eyes of others, then you would see how special you truly are. Love your son.” The signature was not my son but a friend of his.
I could hardly see through the tears to walk back to work. Once again I realized how important a few well-chosen words could be to a person. Please no matter how young or old you are, say or better yet, write a few words of love and appreciation to the person or persons who have been important in your life. Many single parent dads get a Mother’s Day card as well as a Father’s Day card every year.
I am getting over some kind of flu-bug so until next time,
Alice
I could hardly see through the tears to walk back to work. Once again I realized how important a few well-chosen words could be to a person. Please no matter how young or old you are, say or better yet, write a few words of love and appreciation to the person or persons who have been important in your life. Many single parent dads get a Mother’s Day card as well as a Father’s Day card every year.
I am getting over some kind of flu-bug so until next time,
Alice
Friday, April 30, 2010
No Date for Prom
For many young people, it feels like the end of the world when prom time comes and they have no date. I am told that no school requires “couples only” can attend the prom. It is your prom if it is your school and many goes without dates or in small groups. I did not attend high school so I have no idea what it would be like to go to a prom. We were very poor and I could not have had a pretty dress. I never learned to dance either.
Some of my clients choose not to attend prom because they do not believe in dancing or cannot afford to go. What do they do instead? Some invite friends to their home and watch movies or have a picnic. Some working students volunteer to take a co-workers shift so he or she can attend. Some students spend the day visiting nursing homes and entertaining the folks their. Yes, and there are those who feel alone and need a friend. Think of creative ways to befriend that person. It will make you both feel better.
One young man told me he could not afford to go to his prom and spent the evening checking out college programs and making plans for his future. He is in his third year of college (at a university he had never heard of) and wants to become a school counselor. He says school, in any grade, should not be as painful as it is. He also said one of his friends was killed on the way home from the prom. Had he gone, he probably would have been in that car.
Don’t drink and drive! Don’t ride with a driver who is drinking! Before the big night make arrangements for a ride home if you feel unsafe. It may be a parent, another adult, or a friend. Be safe and enjoy your prom.
For those graduating, congratulations! Think about continuing school in some form whether it be college or vocational. Have a safe summer.
Until next time,
Alice
Some of my clients choose not to attend prom because they do not believe in dancing or cannot afford to go. What do they do instead? Some invite friends to their home and watch movies or have a picnic. Some working students volunteer to take a co-workers shift so he or she can attend. Some students spend the day visiting nursing homes and entertaining the folks their. Yes, and there are those who feel alone and need a friend. Think of creative ways to befriend that person. It will make you both feel better.
One young man told me he could not afford to go to his prom and spent the evening checking out college programs and making plans for his future. He is in his third year of college (at a university he had never heard of) and wants to become a school counselor. He says school, in any grade, should not be as painful as it is. He also said one of his friends was killed on the way home from the prom. Had he gone, he probably would have been in that car.
Don’t drink and drive! Don’t ride with a driver who is drinking! Before the big night make arrangements for a ride home if you feel unsafe. It may be a parent, another adult, or a friend. Be safe and enjoy your prom.
For those graduating, congratulations! Think about continuing school in some form whether it be college or vocational. Have a safe summer.
Until next time,
Alice
Monday, April 26, 2010
Early Warnings of Date Violence and Safety
Early Warnings of Date Violence and Safety 
Here is a list of early warning signs that your date may eventually become abusive:
* Extreme jealousy
* Controlling behavior
* Quick involvement
* Unpredictable mood swings
* Alcohol and drug use
* Explosive anger
* Isolates you from friends and family
* Uses force during an argument
* Shows hypersensitivity
* Believes in rigid sex roles
* Blames others for his problems or feelings
* Cruel to animals or children
* Verbally abusive
* Abused former partners
* Threatens violence
Did you read this list carefully? I thought I heard you say things like, “It only happened once,” “He was so sorry,” “He wasn’t himself,” or “I can change him.” Don’t count on it! You all know someone who has been abused by the person who is suppose to love them. You have heard them make excuses or even say it is their fault. I’m not going to preach on the subject, but I will give you some ways to make your dates safe. Remember: Girls/women abuse boys/men or other females.
Here are some ways to make dating safer:
* Consider double-dating the first few times you go out with a new person.
* Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make sure a parent or friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home. Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell that person when you get in.
* Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
* If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely.
* Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships.
* Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation.
I probably copied this from one or more web sites, but I have no idea which ones. I think trusting your instincts are the most important.
Until next time,
Alice
Here is a list of early warning signs that your date may eventually become abusive:
* Extreme jealousy
* Controlling behavior
* Quick involvement
* Unpredictable mood swings
* Alcohol and drug use
* Explosive anger
* Isolates you from friends and family
* Uses force during an argument
* Shows hypersensitivity
* Believes in rigid sex roles
* Blames others for his problems or feelings
* Cruel to animals or children
* Verbally abusive
* Abused former partners
* Threatens violence
Did you read this list carefully? I thought I heard you say things like, “It only happened once,” “He was so sorry,” “He wasn’t himself,” or “I can change him.” Don’t count on it! You all know someone who has been abused by the person who is suppose to love them. You have heard them make excuses or even say it is their fault. I’m not going to preach on the subject, but I will give you some ways to make your dates safe. Remember: Girls/women abuse boys/men or other females.
Here are some ways to make dating safer:
* Consider double-dating the first few times you go out with a new person.
* Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make sure a parent or friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home. Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell that person when you get in.
* Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
* If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely.
* Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships.
* Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation.
I probably copied this from one or more web sites, but I have no idea which ones. I think trusting your instincts are the most important.
Until next time,
Alice
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Dating Violence
Teenagers often experience violence in dating relationships. I have many questions from teens about dating violence as Prom time and graduation approach. Perhaps that is because the couple will not be seeing each other as often with the end of the school year and one or the other is going on vacation or off to college.
Statistics show that one in three teenagers have experienced violence in a dating relationship. In dating violence
, one partner tries to maintain power and control over the other through abuse. Dating violence crosses all racial, economic and social lines. Most victims are young women, who are also at greater risk for serious injury. Men also are battered or verbally abused by their female partners.
Women (of any age) may feel they are responsible for solving problems in their relationships. They may think their boyfriend's jealousy, possessiveness and even physical abuse, is "romantic." They may also think abuse is "normal" because their friends are also being abused. They may feel there is no one to ask for help.
Men (of any age) may believe they have the right to "control" their female partners in any way necessary. They may believe "masculinity" is physical aggressiveness. They may feel they “own” their partner and should demand intimacy. They may also feel they will lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends.
More important is that males believe “nice guys finish last” and unfortunately, it is often true.
Remember: Drugs and alcohol impair your instincts and reactions.
Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation. Next time we will look at how to make dating safe for both parties.
Until next time,
Alice
Statistics show that one in three teenagers have experienced violence in a dating relationship. In dating violence
, one partner tries to maintain power and control over the other through abuse. Dating violence crosses all racial, economic and social lines. Most victims are young women, who are also at greater risk for serious injury. Men also are battered or verbally abused by their female partners. Women (of any age) may feel they are responsible for solving problems in their relationships. They may think their boyfriend's jealousy, possessiveness and even physical abuse, is "romantic." They may also think abuse is "normal" because their friends are also being abused. They may feel there is no one to ask for help.
Men (of any age) may believe they have the right to "control" their female partners in any way necessary. They may believe "masculinity" is physical aggressiveness. They may feel they “own” their partner and should demand intimacy. They may also feel they will lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends.
More important is that males believe “nice guys finish last” and unfortunately, it is often true.
Remember: Drugs and alcohol impair your instincts and reactions.
Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation. Next time we will look at how to make dating safe for both parties.
Until next time,
Alice
Friday, April 9, 2010
Comments on Grief Workshop
Search Amazon.com for Don't Stop the Love: For Mothers and Others Who Love an Addict
I just got the comments of the workshop, “Mother’s and Others Who Love an Addict” I presented at the 21st Annual Growing Through Loss Conference in Las Cruces, New Mexico on Friday, February 5th. They are always interesting and run the gambit from excellent to poor and all points in between. It looks as if there are about 40 attendees evaluating and commenting. Several mentioned that I was soft-spoken and hard to hear, yet the monitor in the back of the room did not signal me to do anything different. They did not have a mike to attach to my collar. Then, there was a comment “how to deal with the loss of a child to addiction, not death” and I was not speaking about death, although fatal overdose and suicide are common. What did he or she hear?
Then there is “excellent,” “bring her back,” “excellent sharing,” “very dull,” and “good information.” There is “dry, no new information” and “has very ‘old’ views on drug and alcohol abuse.”
Primary message: Love the addict, hate the addiction and do not make excuses or spend money keeping the addict out of jail. That son or daughter (the addict) must face the consequences of his or her actions, but the love does not stop.
What now? After having over 50 people come to me from the conference, I must be doing something right. I will try to be a better speaker and see what other information I can use.
Until next time,
Alice
I just got the comments of the workshop, “Mother’s and Others Who Love an Addict” I presented at the 21st Annual Growing Through Loss Conference in Las Cruces, New Mexico on Friday, February 5th. They are always interesting and run the gambit from excellent to poor and all points in between. It looks as if there are about 40 attendees evaluating and commenting. Several mentioned that I was soft-spoken and hard to hear, yet the monitor in the back of the room did not signal me to do anything different. They did not have a mike to attach to my collar. Then, there was a comment “how to deal with the loss of a child to addiction, not death” and I was not speaking about death, although fatal overdose and suicide are common. What did he or she hear?
Then there is “excellent,” “bring her back,” “excellent sharing,” “very dull,” and “good information.” There is “dry, no new information” and “has very ‘old’ views on drug and alcohol abuse.”
Primary message: Love the addict, hate the addiction and do not make excuses or spend money keeping the addict out of jail. That son or daughter (the addict) must face the consequences of his or her actions, but the love does not stop.
What now? After having over 50 people come to me from the conference, I must be doing something right. I will try to be a better speaker and see what other information I can use.
Until next time,
Alice
Monday, April 5, 2010
Web Sites on Adoption Issues
Check out the web site links I have included on my new blog, Family Life Education-Adoption at http://familylifeeducation-adoptiont.blogspot.com/ You will find search registries and information on finding those lost to adoption, advocates fighting to have all adoption records open so adults can find out who they really are, and information on finding support groups to help deal with the lifelong pain suffered by adoptees and birthmothers. In short, you will find more information that you ever thought possible. We on the outside of adoption had no clue how much so many people have suffered their whole lives while we thought adoption was the answer to everything gone wrong. Please take a look often and this blog will address more general topics.
The next post will be about speaking to groups of people and the varied opinions the attendees have.
Until next time,
Alice
The next post will be about speaking to groups of people and the varied opinions the attendees have.
Until next time,
Alice
Sunday, April 4, 2010
See My New Blog on Adoption
At the request of several people, I have added a blog devoted to adoption issues-Family Life Education-Adoption http://familylifeeducation-adoption.blogspot.com/ where I can post items of interest about the complexities of adoption issues. This includes news items, separating myths and facts, adding links to blogs and web sites dealing with adoption, and providing information for those just curious about what all the “uproar” is about adoption.
To put it bluntly, there is a major downside to adoption as it has been practiced for decades that few of us realized. The upside is, with education and understanding, together we can do something about it. Exactly, what is the “it?”
“It” has several components-over a million adoptees cannot get their original birth certificates, millions of birth parents do not know where their children are, many more millions have not gotten over the pain of “being given away.” In spite of what most of us believe, telling a mother she is not giving her baby away, she is giving it more, does not heal the pain either mother or baby live with the rest of their lives. Many years ago, we thought we were right and adoption had only positive outcomes. Now we know that has never been true for many millions of people.
Yes, I know, I used “millions” so often that it has no meaning. Let’s put this into perspective. In 2009, Missouri’s estimated population was just under 6 million. Some authorities have guessed that is about the number of adoptees in the United States. Idaho’s million and a half may equal the number of adoptees that cannot get their original birth certificate for any reason. Yet, they have died in wars defending us without ever knowing who they really are. Something is wrong with this picture. Check out my new blog Family Life Education--Adoption http://familylifeeducation-adoption.blogspot.com/.
Until next time,
Alice
To put it bluntly, there is a major downside to adoption as it has been practiced for decades that few of us realized. The upside is, with education and understanding, together we can do something about it. Exactly, what is the “it?”
“It” has several components-over a million adoptees cannot get their original birth certificates, millions of birth parents do not know where their children are, many more millions have not gotten over the pain of “being given away.” In spite of what most of us believe, telling a mother she is not giving her baby away, she is giving it more, does not heal the pain either mother or baby live with the rest of their lives. Many years ago, we thought we were right and adoption had only positive outcomes. Now we know that has never been true for many millions of people.
Yes, I know, I used “millions” so often that it has no meaning. Let’s put this into perspective. In 2009, Missouri’s estimated population was just under 6 million. Some authorities have guessed that is about the number of adoptees in the United States. Idaho’s million and a half may equal the number of adoptees that cannot get their original birth certificate for any reason. Yet, they have died in wars defending us without ever knowing who they really are. Something is wrong with this picture. Check out my new blog Family Life Education--Adoption http://familylifeeducation-adoption.blogspot.com/.
Until next time,
Alice
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
American Adoption Congress Conference
Great conference
I am still trying to process the huge amount of information I tried to absorb at The 31st Annual American Adoption Congress Conference held at the Sheraton Grand in Sacramento, California, March 18 through 21.
A bit about the trip: Joy Miller, an adoptee and a friend, Adoption Experience Workshop, and I flew from El Paso, Texas to Phoenix, Arizona and from Phoenix to Sacramento. It was a nice trip with the right amount of waiting time to not feel rushed or bored. We were able to walk out of the terminal and take public transportation (bus) to within one block of the hotel ($2 and $1 senior). The Sheraton Grand is beautiful and our room was on the 23rd floor. The meeting rooms were convenient, comfortable, and cold (but I am always cold!). The light breakfast and snacks were just right for me. Everyone was very nice and considerate. Joy and I strolled out to get a sandwich before evening sessions. We did not have the housekeepers clean our room and were given two $5 gift certificates that we used in the restaurant before we left. We walked a couple of blocks to the bus stop in front of the State Capitol Building for the few minutes until the bus arrived to take us to the Airport. This was an excellent choice for the conference.
A bit about the Conference: The American Adoption Congress (AAC) is an all-volunteer organization. They came from several different states and were able to work smoothly together and put on a great conference. Since the conference was about adoption, it should not have surprised me that nearly everyone there was part of the adoption triad---adoptee, birth mother, and adoptive parent. Many were various combinations of the triad and many were also professionals. At least two speakers and three attendees were not part of the triad, which includes me. I was told 160 people attended. I want to thank Joy and my sister, Alta, for making it possible for me to attend.
The 2011 AAC conference will be held in Orlando, Florida April 14 through April 17. For those interested in any phase of adoption, this is a good conference. For professionals that need Continuing Education Units (CEUs), check with your organization (not sure of correct term).
I want to keep these posts short since everyone is busy. Check out both Joy’s blog and the AAC web site.
Until next time,
Alice
I am still trying to process the huge amount of information I tried to absorb at The 31st Annual American Adoption Congress Conference held at the Sheraton Grand in Sacramento, California, March 18 through 21.
A bit about the trip: Joy Miller, an adoptee and a friend, Adoption Experience Workshop, and I flew from El Paso, Texas to Phoenix, Arizona and from Phoenix to Sacramento. It was a nice trip with the right amount of waiting time to not feel rushed or bored. We were able to walk out of the terminal and take public transportation (bus) to within one block of the hotel ($2 and $1 senior). The Sheraton Grand is beautiful and our room was on the 23rd floor. The meeting rooms were convenient, comfortable, and cold (but I am always cold!). The light breakfast and snacks were just right for me. Everyone was very nice and considerate. Joy and I strolled out to get a sandwich before evening sessions. We did not have the housekeepers clean our room and were given two $5 gift certificates that we used in the restaurant before we left. We walked a couple of blocks to the bus stop in front of the State Capitol Building for the few minutes until the bus arrived to take us to the Airport. This was an excellent choice for the conference.
A bit about the Conference: The American Adoption Congress (AAC) is an all-volunteer organization. They came from several different states and were able to work smoothly together and put on a great conference. Since the conference was about adoption, it should not have surprised me that nearly everyone there was part of the adoption triad---adoptee, birth mother, and adoptive parent. Many were various combinations of the triad and many were also professionals. At least two speakers and three attendees were not part of the triad, which includes me. I was told 160 people attended. I want to thank Joy and my sister, Alta, for making it possible for me to attend.
The 2011 AAC conference will be held in Orlando, Florida April 14 through April 17. For those interested in any phase of adoption, this is a good conference. For professionals that need Continuing Education Units (CEUs), check with your organization (not sure of correct term).
I want to keep these posts short since everyone is busy. Check out both Joy’s blog and the AAC web site.
Until next time,
Alice
Friday, March 12, 2010
Really Looking at Adoption
Really Looking at Adoption
“We once thought adoption was the answer to everyone’s dilemma. The mother could get on with her life. The baby would have a wonderful home. The new parents would have a child of their own. Now, we know this has never been true. Everyone involved was suffering and unable to voice the pain.”
This is the quote on the front of my book, “The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?” published 2009 by Porch Light Press and available at Amazon.
Until next time,
Alice
“We once thought adoption was the answer to everyone’s dilemma. The mother could get on with her life. The baby would have a wonderful home. The new parents would have a child of their own. Now, we know this has never been true. Everyone involved was suffering and unable to voice the pain.”
This is the quote on the front of my book, “The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?” published 2009 by Porch Light Press and available at Amazon.
Until next time,
Alice
Monday, March 1, 2010
Fatal Drug Overdose or Suicide
This last couple of weeks has brought people to my door to discuss whether their loved one died of an accidental overdose or suicide. Neither possibility brought closure, but talking about it may have put the subject to rest for them. These deaths happened between two and twenty years ago. Many still wondered what they should have done to keep it from happening.
My answer: In the case of suicide, probably nothing. In the case of accidental overdose, probably nothing.
Intended death usually leaves a note or tells someone. If a person really wants to end their pain by suicide, they will find a way. Drug overdoses, without a note, are probably accidental.
Only one of the 13 deaths (Did it have to be 13?) I was told about left a note. He went into the forest several miles away, built a little campfire, and died from an overdose of pills and needle substance. It was two days before someone found him. All 13 were over the age of 21, one was 56.
The next posting will talk about adoption and what we really do not know about it.
Until next time,
Alice
My answer: In the case of suicide, probably nothing. In the case of accidental overdose, probably nothing.
Intended death usually leaves a note or tells someone. If a person really wants to end their pain by suicide, they will find a way. Drug overdoses, without a note, are probably accidental.
Only one of the 13 deaths (Did it have to be 13?) I was told about left a note. He went into the forest several miles away, built a little campfire, and died from an overdose of pills and needle substance. It was two days before someone found him. All 13 were over the age of 21, one was 56.
The next posting will talk about adoption and what we really do not know about it.
Until next time,
Alice
Friday, February 19, 2010
After Conference Workshop
It has been two weeks since I presented the workshop, “Mothers and Others who Love an Addict.” I did not count attendance, but was told there were 52 people, mostly women. Three women left in the first couple of minutes, one left several minutes later. Lots of heads were nodding in agreement, many were dabbing at tears. Afterwards, several came to tell me how glad they were to hear my take on things, instead of the many excuses usually given.
So what did I say? Drug addict or not, he or she is accountable for his or her actions. No making excuses for their actions. No feeling so guilty one will go into financial ruin to “help” the addicted person. Speaking as a parent, we make many mistakes, both large and small, in trying to raise our children. We do not intend to hurt them, yet we often do as we try to make a living and keep an intact family life. Basically, we did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time. We can make apologies to our adult children and ask forgiveness for the pain we caused them. We cannot change it, but we can try to make any amends for past actions and words.
That adult child is not owed a life of ease because the parent caused them pain as a child. They are not owed an expensive attorney every time they get into legal trouble. They must be accountable for their actions. At the same time, we as parents or other loved ones can not stop the love. We do not have to like the road they have followed even if it is one we taught them and no longer follow. We do not have to like what they do, but we can still love them. There is a difference!
In these two weeks I have talked to 43 people who love an addict. More than one has lost their homes trying to bail an addict out of trouble. Many are afraid of their adult children and with good cause since some have been beaten so badly they were in the hospital. Homes and vehicles have been destroyed, money stolen and all the while the “child” is yelling, “You did this to me.”
A parent’s pain is deep, but it does not help the “child” to bail them out of jail and just hope for the best. It won’t happen. Neither will putting them in rehab as they will look for drugs as soon as they are released…and they will find them whether they have money or not.
This is longer than intended so until next time.
Alice
So what did I say? Drug addict or not, he or she is accountable for his or her actions. No making excuses for their actions. No feeling so guilty one will go into financial ruin to “help” the addicted person. Speaking as a parent, we make many mistakes, both large and small, in trying to raise our children. We do not intend to hurt them, yet we often do as we try to make a living and keep an intact family life. Basically, we did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time. We can make apologies to our adult children and ask forgiveness for the pain we caused them. We cannot change it, but we can try to make any amends for past actions and words.
That adult child is not owed a life of ease because the parent caused them pain as a child. They are not owed an expensive attorney every time they get into legal trouble. They must be accountable for their actions. At the same time, we as parents or other loved ones can not stop the love. We do not have to like the road they have followed even if it is one we taught them and no longer follow. We do not have to like what they do, but we can still love them. There is a difference!
In these two weeks I have talked to 43 people who love an addict. More than one has lost their homes trying to bail an addict out of trouble. Many are afraid of their adult children and with good cause since some have been beaten so badly they were in the hospital. Homes and vehicles have been destroyed, money stolen and all the while the “child” is yelling, “You did this to me.”
A parent’s pain is deep, but it does not help the “child” to bail them out of jail and just hope for the best. It won’t happen. Neither will putting them in rehab as they will look for drugs as soon as they are released…and they will find them whether they have money or not.
This is longer than intended so until next time.
Alice
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Conference Workshop
How addiction effects everyone
I will be presenting a workshop at the 21st Annual Growing Through Loss Conference in Las Cruces, New Mexico on Friday, February 5th. This conference covers many areas of loss and grief. The title of my workshop is “Mothers and Others who Love an Addict.”
People, who do not use and abuse drugs (legal or illegal), cannot understand what the addicted person goes through no matter how hard we try. This workshop tries to bring understanding to both the addicted and the ones that love them. You may think it odd that the emotions of both are very much the same; guilt, shame, embarrassment, frustration, pain, lack of control, and helplessness.
People with high self-esteem and respect for themselves will have no need to try drugs in the first place. If you do not try them, you will not become addicted. Sounds simple, doesn’t it. For many, it is not tempting, as they do not have to prove anything to themselves or to their friends.
For those trying to fit into a group or to stand out within a group, it is altogether different. Addiction is a strange thing. Some people become addicted very quickly, for others it takes a little longer. Once addicted, it means physical and mental pain for the person and everyone around him or her. Addiction often leads to prison, murder, or suicide. It always leads to pain; pain for him or herself, parents, children, relatives, friends, co-workers, and even total strangers.
Addiction is powerful and recovery is a continuing process. We must talk openly and honestly about addiction. Conversation can lead to recovery. Addicts must be held accountable for their actions, but our love for the person need not stop. It is never too late to start the process.
Until next time,
Alice
I will be presenting a workshop at the 21st Annual Growing Through Loss Conference in Las Cruces, New Mexico on Friday, February 5th. This conference covers many areas of loss and grief. The title of my workshop is “Mothers and Others who Love an Addict.”
People, who do not use and abuse drugs (legal or illegal), cannot understand what the addicted person goes through no matter how hard we try. This workshop tries to bring understanding to both the addicted and the ones that love them. You may think it odd that the emotions of both are very much the same; guilt, shame, embarrassment, frustration, pain, lack of control, and helplessness.
People with high self-esteem and respect for themselves will have no need to try drugs in the first place. If you do not try them, you will not become addicted. Sounds simple, doesn’t it. For many, it is not tempting, as they do not have to prove anything to themselves or to their friends.
For those trying to fit into a group or to stand out within a group, it is altogether different. Addiction is a strange thing. Some people become addicted very quickly, for others it takes a little longer. Once addicted, it means physical and mental pain for the person and everyone around him or her. Addiction often leads to prison, murder, or suicide. It always leads to pain; pain for him or herself, parents, children, relatives, friends, co-workers, and even total strangers.
Addiction is powerful and recovery is a continuing process. We must talk openly and honestly about addiction. Conversation can lead to recovery. Addicts must be held accountable for their actions, but our love for the person need not stop. It is never too late to start the process.
Until next time,
Alice
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Drug overdose, a cat, a good ending
Drug overdose, a cat, a good ending
A friend came into my sewing shop to tell me about Mr. Kitty. She and Boyfriend use drugs. He had fallen asleep on the couch and she went to bed. At some point during the early morning, Mr. Kitty jumped on the bed meowing and tried to dig her out of the covers. She yelled at him and pulled the covers over her head. He persisted, scratching her forehead. Throwing back the covers, she chased him down the hall and he jumped on Boyfriend’s head scratching his face and forehead. She shook Boyfriend and he felt cold. She called 911 and had Mr. Kitty not gotten her out of bed, Boyfriend would have died. As it is, it looks as if he will make a full recovery. She said she would rethink drug use.
I gave her a book that my son and I wrote about five years ago. It is “Don’t Stop the Love: For Mothers-and Others-Who Love an Addict” by Alice B. Davenport and James A. Oetting. It is available from Amazon for $10.95. It was written when I facilitated a support group for mothers of adult children with addiction problems. Some did not know where their “kids” were. Knowing the pain a mother goes through, I talked with them offering what I could. By that time, James had been in recovery for a few years. He was willing to relive those horrible times to be able to tell me what I needed to pass on to the mothers. We both knew he might go back into active addiction. We both took the chance and wrote the book. It is short (68 pages in large print) and to the point, he spoke honestly about how he felt during his active addiction.
James has been in recovery for over 10 years and talks to anyone who needs to talk about drugs or alcohol, and addiction and recovery.
Until next time,
Alice
A friend came into my sewing shop to tell me about Mr. Kitty. She and Boyfriend use drugs. He had fallen asleep on the couch and she went to bed. At some point during the early morning, Mr. Kitty jumped on the bed meowing and tried to dig her out of the covers. She yelled at him and pulled the covers over her head. He persisted, scratching her forehead. Throwing back the covers, she chased him down the hall and he jumped on Boyfriend’s head scratching his face and forehead. She shook Boyfriend and he felt cold. She called 911 and had Mr. Kitty not gotten her out of bed, Boyfriend would have died. As it is, it looks as if he will make a full recovery. She said she would rethink drug use.
I gave her a book that my son and I wrote about five years ago. It is “Don’t Stop the Love: For Mothers-and Others-Who Love an Addict” by Alice B. Davenport and James A. Oetting. It is available from Amazon for $10.95. It was written when I facilitated a support group for mothers of adult children with addiction problems. Some did not know where their “kids” were. Knowing the pain a mother goes through, I talked with them offering what I could. By that time, James had been in recovery for a few years. He was willing to relive those horrible times to be able to tell me what I needed to pass on to the mothers. We both knew he might go back into active addiction. We both took the chance and wrote the book. It is short (68 pages in large print) and to the point, he spoke honestly about how he felt during his active addiction.
James has been in recovery for over 10 years and talks to anyone who needs to talk about drugs or alcohol, and addiction and recovery.
Until next time,
Alice
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Fatal drug overdose: Do you tell?
Fatal drug overdose: Do you tell?
My answer is simple, “yes.”
People often think of unsavory, dirty, long haired men in dark alleys doing drugs. There are many men and women of all ages who die of drug overdose from prescription drugs and/or a combination of both legal and illegal, often mixed with alcohol. Please remember, even the “unsavory” person was once a mother’s little boy.
Often, the first thought people have when a person dies with no reason given is; DRUG OVERDOSE. It becomes like walking around that “elephant in the living room.” Nobody knows what to say. They mumble and look away. We should not be ashamed of our loved one. We do not have to agree with how a person lives, but the love should always be there.
I told my son if he died of an overdose, I would tell the world. It might make one of his friends realize how fragile life is and lead to them getting into recovery. Thank God I did not have to do that.
Drug user companions often do not feel welcome at the funeral or memorial service, and unfortunately they are usually right. In their pain, loved ones often blame them for not doing something, not understanding that person had free will. It could have been any one of them. There are no easy answers when it comes to drug addiction and the pain that goes with it.
Share your experiences.
Until next time,
Alice
My answer is simple, “yes.”
People often think of unsavory, dirty, long haired men in dark alleys doing drugs. There are many men and women of all ages who die of drug overdose from prescription drugs and/or a combination of both legal and illegal, often mixed with alcohol. Please remember, even the “unsavory” person was once a mother’s little boy.
Often, the first thought people have when a person dies with no reason given is; DRUG OVERDOSE. It becomes like walking around that “elephant in the living room.” Nobody knows what to say. They mumble and look away. We should not be ashamed of our loved one. We do not have to agree with how a person lives, but the love should always be there.
I told my son if he died of an overdose, I would tell the world. It might make one of his friends realize how fragile life is and lead to them getting into recovery. Thank God I did not have to do that.
Drug user companions often do not feel welcome at the funeral or memorial service, and unfortunately they are usually right. In their pain, loved ones often blame them for not doing something, not understanding that person had free will. It could have been any one of them. There are no easy answers when it comes to drug addiction and the pain that goes with it.
Share your experiences.
Until next time,
Alice
Drug Overdose
The early morning started out rotten.
A mother I know quite well called to ask advice about “pulling the plug” on her brain-dead son. He was not yet 20 years old and there was no way for him to recover from a drug overdose. She had to make the decision. We talked for over an hour.
She cussed, she cried, she prayed. She accused me of not understanding. She laughed when she recalled something funny when he was a kid. She blamed herself for not being a better mother. She blamed others for not helping him. She ranted and raved about how unfair life is. After a few minutes of silence, she went to do what had to be done; pull the plug.
She was right. I did not have to make that decision, but during the many years my son did drugs. I knew one day I might have to make that decision. Today he has been in recovery for 10 years. Even then, that does not mean he will never become an active user. He has to count the days, I can not stop the love.
Want to share an experience?
Until next time,
Alice
A mother I know quite well called to ask advice about “pulling the plug” on her brain-dead son. He was not yet 20 years old and there was no way for him to recover from a drug overdose. She had to make the decision. We talked for over an hour.
She cussed, she cried, she prayed. She accused me of not understanding. She laughed when she recalled something funny when he was a kid. She blamed herself for not being a better mother. She blamed others for not helping him. She ranted and raved about how unfair life is. After a few minutes of silence, she went to do what had to be done; pull the plug.
She was right. I did not have to make that decision, but during the many years my son did drugs. I knew one day I might have to make that decision. Today he has been in recovery for 10 years. Even then, that does not mean he will never become an active user. He has to count the days, I can not stop the love.
Want to share an experience?
Until next time,
Alice
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Beginnings
This is the beginning of an new adventure for me. I read blogs, but here I am trying to put one together. Everyone assures me it is easy, so we shall see.
I will talk about a variety of family issues and situations such as family violence, adoption, incest and child sexual abuse, grandparents raising grandchildren, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, and many other topics.
To make this a valuable learning and sharing tool, I need your input. It will do no good to think something without sharing it for others to read. I write books and speak to groups of people. I do not use anyone's name and will alter certain things to maintain everyone's privacy. I have always promised to keep identities private even if I have to say I made it up. I continue that promise.
I will organize my topics and start getting my feet wet as a blogger in a few days. Stay with me and offer subjects you would like to discuss.
Until next time, Alice
Remember: once you write it on the World Wide Web, it is just that...world wide and will stay forever. Be careful
I will talk about a variety of family issues and situations such as family violence, adoption, incest and child sexual abuse, grandparents raising grandchildren, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, and many other topics.
To make this a valuable learning and sharing tool, I need your input. It will do no good to think something without sharing it for others to read. I write books and speak to groups of people. I do not use anyone's name and will alter certain things to maintain everyone's privacy. I have always promised to keep identities private even if I have to say I made it up. I continue that promise.
I will organize my topics and start getting my feet wet as a blogger in a few days. Stay with me and offer subjects you would like to discuss.
Until next time, Alice
Remember: once you write it on the World Wide Web, it is just that...world wide and will stay forever. Be careful
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)