Holidays and Summer

This Memorial Day weekend signals the start of summer for many people. It also means many children are out of school. It is a time of vacations and swimming pool accidents.

Assign someone to watch the swimming pool to insure no children drown. Drink responsibly and do not drive while drinking. Do not ride with drunk drivers. Watch for children playing in the streets. It only takes a few minutes to end a life or to change a lifetime.

Have a safe and sane Holiday and Summer!

Until next time,
Alice

Birthdays and Orphaned Adults

It is my Birthday. I do not feel as if I am getting old, but my body does not lie. I am often asked if I would want to relive my life. I do not have to think for one second. Absolutely not! Life has been hard. I have learned a lot. Much of it too late to do me any real good, but maybe I can share some of the things I have learned and make life easier for someone else. That is not the way it really works. It seems each of us must make our own mistakes and stumbles throughout life.

I have dealt with a variety of topics this week. The most persistent one was adults who lost their last parent to death. Most of us expect our parents to die within our lifetime, yet when it happens, we are suddenly lost little children---orphaned adults. Everything changes-relationships with other family members, strange feelings and emotions within our being, our identity, and our role within the family. This is true even when the family has been estranged for many years. Many families never make peace with each other and death erases the chance. Sometimes the heavy burden of guilt takes over, making life that much harder.

It seems strange to me that it was 1999 before a book was published on the subject. It is The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents by Alexander Levy. It is worth a read even if you still have your parents because the chances are you will become an orphaned adult.

Until next time,
Alice

Happy Mother’s Day to All

My wish for each mother and single parent dad is to receive a card with this message on it. “Dear Mom,If I could only give you one thing, it would be the ability to see yourself through the eyes of others, then you would see how special you truly are. Love your son.” The signature was not my son but a friend of his.

I could hardly see through the tears to walk back to work. Once again I realized how important a few well-chosen words could be to a person. Please no matter how young or old you are, say or better yet, write a few words of love and appreciation to the person or persons who have been important in your life. Many single parent dads get a Mother’s Day card as well as a Father’s Day card every year.

I am getting over some kind of flu-bug so until next time,
Alice

No Date for Prom

For many young people, it feels like the end of the world when prom time comes and they have no date. I am told that no school requires “couples only” can attend the prom. It is your prom if it is your school and many goes without dates or in small groups. I did not attend high school so I have no idea what it would be like to go to a prom. We were very poor and I could not have had a pretty dress. I never learned to dance either.

Some of my clients choose not to attend prom because they do not believe in dancing or cannot afford to go. What do they do instead? Some invite friends to their home and watch movies or have a picnic. Some working students volunteer to take a co-workers shift so he or she can attend. Some students spend the day visiting nursing homes and entertaining the folks their. Yes, and there are those who feel alone and need a friend. Think of creative ways to befriend that person. It will make you both feel better.

One young man told me he could not afford to go to his prom and spent the evening checking out college programs and making plans for his future. He is in his third year of college (at a university he had never heard of) and wants to become a school counselor. He says school, in any grade, should not be as painful as it is. He also said one of his friends was killed on the way home from the prom. Had he gone, he probably would have been in that car.

Don’t drink and drive! Don’t ride with a driver who is drinking! Before the big night make arrangements for a ride home if you feel unsafe. It may be a parent, another adult, or a friend. Be safe and enjoy your prom.

For those graduating, congratulations! Think about continuing school in some form whether it be college or vocational. Have a safe summer.

Until next time,
Alice

Early Warnings of Date Violence and Safety

Early Warnings of Date Violence and Safety

Here is a list of early warning signs that your date may eventually become abusive:

* Extreme jealousy
* Controlling behavior
* Quick involvement
* Unpredictable mood swings
* Alcohol and drug use
* Explosive anger
* Isolates you from friends and family
* Uses force during an argument
* Shows hypersensitivity
* Believes in rigid sex roles
* Blames others for his problems or feelings
* Cruel to animals or children
* Verbally abusive
* Abused former partners
* Threatens violence

Did you read this list carefully? I thought I heard you say things like, “It only happened once,” “He was so sorry,” “He wasn’t himself,” or “I can change him.” Don’t count on it! You all know someone who has been abused by the person who is suppose to love them. You have heard them make excuses or even say it is their fault. I’m not going to preach on the subject, but I will give you some ways to make your dates safe. Remember: Girls/women abuse boys/men or other females.

Here are some ways to make dating safer:

* Consider double-dating the first few times you go out with a new person.
* Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make sure a parent or friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home. Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell that person when you get in.
* Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
* If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely.
* Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships.
* Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation.

I probably copied this from one or more web sites, but I have no idea which ones. I think trusting your instincts are the most important.

Until next time,
Alice

Dating Violence

Teenagers often experience violence in dating relationships. I have many questions from teens about dating violence as Prom time and graduation approach. Perhaps that is because the couple will not be seeing each other as often with the end of the school year and one or the other is going on vacation or off to college.

Statistics show that one in three teenagers have experienced violence in a dating relationship. In dating violence, one partner tries to maintain power and control over the other through abuse. Dating violence crosses all racial, economic and social lines. Most victims are young women, who are also at greater risk for serious injury. Men also are battered or verbally abused by their female partners.

Women (of any age) may feel they are responsible for solving problems in their relationships. They may think their boyfriend's jealousy, possessiveness and even physical abuse, is "romantic." They may also think abuse is "normal" because their friends are also being abused. They may feel there is no one to ask for help.

Men (of any age) may believe they have the right to "control" their female partners in any way necessary. They may believe "masculinity" is physical aggressiveness. They may feel they “own” their partner and should demand intimacy. They may also feel they will lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends.

More important is that males believe “nice guys finish last” and unfortunately, it is often true.

Remember: Drugs and alcohol impair your instincts and reactions.

Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation. Next time we will look at how to make dating safe for both parties.

Until next time,
Alice

Comments on Grief Workshop

Search Amazon.com for Don't Stop the Love: For Mothers and Others Who Love an Addict
I just got the comments of the workshop, “Mother’s and Others Who Love an Addict” I presented at the 21st Annual Growing Through Loss Conference in Las Cruces, New Mexico on Friday, February 5th. They are always interesting and run the gambit from excellent to poor and all points in between. It looks as if there are about 40 attendees evaluating and commenting. Several mentioned that I was soft-spoken and hard to hear, yet the monitor in the back of the room did not signal me to do anything different. They did not have a mike to attach to my collar. Then, there was a comment “how to deal with the loss of a child to addiction, not death” and I was not speaking about death, although fatal overdose and suicide are common. What did he or she hear?

Then there is “excellent,” “bring her back,” “excellent sharing,” “very dull,” and “good information.” There is “dry, no new information” and “has very ‘old’ views on drug and alcohol abuse.”

Primary message: Love the addict, hate the addiction and do not make excuses or spend money keeping the addict out of jail. That son or daughter (the addict) must face the consequences of his or her actions, but the love does not stop.

What now? After having over 50 people come to me from the conference, I must be doing something right. I will try to be a better speaker and see what other information I can use.

Until next time,
Alice